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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

We'll always have Parade Cafe

I am still learning much about dating and relationships. My body of work in this area should attest to that. There is also the fact that I am thirty-six and single with a divorce behind me. Still, it's all grist for the mill, you might say. So I don't want to seem arrogant or deluded when I present the following list of "Don't"s below when it comes to the Game of Love. I have not only learned things about myself like limitations, preferences, areas that need work, and positive traits, for instance, but also about things that don't work for me when it comes to a bit of romancin'.

So what follows is a partial list of these things, presented in a sort of anonymous case study format, based upon some recent dating experiences of mine here in New Zealand.

It must also be said that I find Kiwi women to be highly alluring for several reasons. They are generally confident and straightforward and do not like to play games. Their honesty and candor are refreshing, and at risk of sounding too much like a hip gangsta wannabe, they 'keep it real' like nobody's business, yo. Their hairstyles are really bitchin' too (now I sound like a surfer wannabe) and it doesn't hurt that many of them are quite short and petite, two traits I've been a sucker for my entire life.

Yeah, so anyways. Here be the list now, me hearties:

1. Don't plan to meet me for coffee, then show up with the entire day mapped out. A first date is just that - a singular, casual event. Not some Date-a-thon endurance contest. I mean, sure I would maybe have liked to have gone on some long walks with you, followed by another coffee, followed by another long walk, capped off by dinner and drinks. But get real! That's a wee bit more pressure than should be ordinarily applied to a first-date situation, dontcha think? And I may have had plans for later on, maybe? I'm sure that there are rules for this sort of thing written down somewhere.

2. It would be best if you didn't yawn expansively and frequently during our date. Especially while I'm talking to you. Doubly so if you brought along your friend, who is cuter and more attentive to me than you are. That sort of strategy could be the sort of thing that comes back to haunt you.

3. Try to have an up-to-date photograph of yourself (yes I frequent an internet dating site. Shock. Horror.) I hate false advertising. My photos are all current, and not just headshots. I mean, I'm not in some ridiculous pair of Speedos in any of my pictures. I'm trying to attract the opposite sex, by crikey, not to repel them. But still... come on... deception right out of the gate is just so unattractive. (3)

4. Normally it isn't a bright idea to contact the other person after a first date straight away. Certainly not to any excessive degree. Like several texts throughout the day, followed up by phone calls to the house after ringing my mobile, and then sending emails. All in the same 24 hours after the first date just ended. Might just catch a whiff of desperation in there, and that ain't sexy. Trust me, I know, I've been on the other end of that before. It is sweet and all, and one simple text would be fine.

But too much communicating too quickly might just ruin something that otherwise could have been good. For an outstanding example of this particular dating faux pas, I refer you to this infamous scene from the movie Swingers.

5. Show up for the date, once it's been made. Seriously! I don't bite. Biting doesn't come until the third date.

It's not all bad, really. I'm out there dating, as opposed to hitting the pubs and drowning my sorrows, or watching the tube and drowning my sorrows, or just ... drowning my sorrows with no external accompaniment whatsoever. And so I'll keep dating and keep looking until something clicks. Pretty simple, really!

So at some point there will come a day when I post here about the date that worked, and that will end all of this whinging on my part. At the rate I am going, I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that you should pencil in the year 2012 for this to occur. Until then, sit back, read on, and live a little vicariously through some more of my dating misadventures!


(1) Date with L.
(2) Date with U.
(3) Date with M.
(4) Date with S.
(5) "Date" with D.


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